Almost Human (D+)

"An unspeakable terror has come home."

You'll have to forgive me, 'cause it's been a while since my last review. I haven't been watching many movies lately, but over the weekend I pledged to sit down to at least one would-be horror masterpiece. And here it is, dear reader. Are you ready for Almost Human?

Almost Human (the 2013 horror film, not the television series) is sort of a cross between an alien abduction film, an alien invasion movie, and a slasher flick. We never really get much idea who the abductors are, as the flashbacks we see in the film are pretty vague. For all I know it's not aliens at all, but some messed-up government agency that's behind the film's action. My impression is that it's extraterrestrial meanies pulling the strings, so that's what I'm going with.

On October 13th, 1987, in Patten, Maine, Seth Hampton (Graham Skipper) arrives at the home of his friend, Mark Fisher (Josh Ethier), in a state of panic. Seth rants about their mutual friend, Rob, and how he was taken away by a beam of light on the way to Mark's house. Amid all this commotion, Mark's girlfriend, Jen Craven (Vanessa Leigh), comes downstairs to see what all the fuss is about. As the lights flicker on and off, a high-pitched sound seemingly hypnotizes Mark. He leaves the house and is abducted by an alien power.

"He's baaaaaaack!"

Two years pass. In this time, Seth has been blamed for the disappearances of both Rob and Mark. As there was no proof of foul play, he was eventually released from custody. He experiences nightmares and frequent bloody noses, and he doesn't leave his house unless it's to go to his job at a hardware store. He awakens one morning from a nightmare, his nose bleeding. As Seth preps to leave for work one morning, he sees a television report on strange lights and power outages that took place the night before.

Seth decides to pay Jen a visit at the diner where she works. The two haven't seen each other since Mark vanished (there is never any mention of the Rob fellow who also disappeared), and Jen has moved in with her new fiance, Clyde (Anthony Amaral III). Despite the fact that it was Jen who told the police that Seth was responsible for Mark's disappearance, he doesn't really hold it against her as both their memories are fuzzy on the incident. When they talk, he tells her something weird is going on, and that bad things are going to happen.

It's like the Maine Chainsaw Massacre with aliens.

Out in the wilderness, two hunters (portrayed by Kristopher Avedisian and David Langill) come across Mark in the woods, drawn up in a fetal position and covered in slime. They try to help him, but he overpowers them in a lethal manner, steals their clothes, and goes on his merry way. This sets the rest of the film in motion, as Mark returns to his home in Patten and messily kills pretty much anyone that gets in his way. Once Jen and Seth get involved, all bets are off.

I went into Almost Human not knowing what to expect. Even so, I had moderate hopes for the movie. It revealed itself to be pretty rough around the edges. I suppose that's to be expected, as it's director Joe Begos's first feature film. Once the real violence begins, I began to have flashbacks to Peter Jackson's Bad Taste, with its excessive gore, fountains of blood, squishy sound effects, and slapstick attitude towards death. There's not much in the way of slapstick in Almost Human, though things are occasionally unintentionally funny.

Jen and Seth suffer through a really bad alien rock concert.

As far as the make-up effects are concerned, Almost Human's are all practical and competently done, if a bit overboard. One particular effect, which involves an alien rape scene, was disturbing in context, but somewhat silly in presentation. The crew took the gore and alien effects as far as they could, and if the acting were any better, such ostentatious blood and guts might even feel out of place.

Did I mention acting? The movie was likely made on a shoestring budget, so the talent in front of the camera could have been better. The actors try (too hard, sometimes), but most performances fall flat, especially on repeated viewings. No one actor outshines the others. I've seen worse performances, sure, but it's tough to take a movie seriously when you don't believe in the characters or develop any attachment to them as a result.

The cinematography was rough but not terrible. Transitions were well done, though there's occasionally a bit too much back and forth between characters. Flashback imagery is fuzzy, fast, and black and white, so even the general impressions I got were muddied.

Jen's got an axe, and believe me, she's not afraid to use it.

Was Almost Human scary? It was tense, on occasion. Aside from the occasional tension and copious gross-out gore, there wasn't much fright to be had. The score, by Andy Garfield, contributes to the aforementioned tension, and is one of the strongest things about the film. Though a bit heavy-handed at times, it's certainly tense and would lend itself well to a scary movie. Unfortunately, Almost Human isn't all that scary, but the musical queues definitely told my subconscious it was supposed to be.

At the end of the night, I have to say that Almost Human is a lackluster indie entry into the horror genre. It doesn't break any new ground, and it seemed to miss a number of opportunities. It might have even gone for the paranoid vibe of John Carpenter's The Thing if it had taken a different turn early on. Unfortunately, it ends up being a lukewarm film that I can't recommend unless you enjoy gory special effects.