Almost Human (D+)

"An unspeakable terror has come home."

You'll have to forgive me, 'cause it's been a while since my last review. I haven't been watching many movies lately, but over the weekend I pledged to sit down to at least one would-be horror masterpiece. And here it is, dear reader. Are you ready for Almost Human?

Almost Human (the 2013 horror film, not the television series) is sort of a cross between an alien abduction film, an alien invasion movie, and a slasher flick. We never really get much idea who the abductors are, as the flashbacks we see in the film are pretty vague. For all I know it's not aliens at all, but some messed-up government agency that's behind the film's action. My impression is that it's extraterrestrial meanies pulling the strings, so that's what I'm going with.

On October 13th, 1987, in Patten, Maine, Seth Hampton (Graham Skipper) arrives at the home of his friend, Mark Fisher (Josh Ethier), in a state of panic. Seth rants about their mutual friend, Rob, and how he was taken away by a beam of light on the way to Mark's house. Amid all this commotion, Mark's girlfriend, Jen Craven (Vanessa Leigh), comes downstairs to see what all the fuss is about. As the lights flicker on and off, a high-pitched sound seemingly hypnotizes Mark. He leaves the house and is abducted by an alien power.

"He's baaaaaaack!"

Two years pass. In this time, Seth has been blamed for the disappearances of both Rob and Mark. As there was no proof of foul play, he was eventually released from custody. He experiences nightmares and frequent bloody noses, and he doesn't leave his house unless it's to go to his job at a hardware store. He awakens one morning from a nightmare, his nose bleeding. As Seth preps to leave for work one morning, he sees a television report on strange lights and power outages that took place the night before.

Seth decides to pay Jen a visit at the diner where she works. The two haven't seen each other since Mark vanished (there is never any mention of the Rob fellow who also disappeared), and Jen has moved in with her new fiance, Clyde (Anthony Amaral III). Despite the fact that it was Jen who told the police that Seth was responsible for Mark's disappearance, he doesn't really hold it against her as both their memories are fuzzy on the incident. When they talk, he tells her something weird is going on, and that bad things are going to happen.

It's like the Maine Chainsaw Massacre with aliens.

Out in the wilderness, two hunters (portrayed by Kristopher Avedisian and David Langill) come across Mark in the woods, drawn up in a fetal position and covered in slime. They try to help him, but he overpowers them in a lethal manner, steals their clothes, and goes on his merry way. This sets the rest of the film in motion, as Mark returns to his home in Patten and messily kills pretty much anyone that gets in his way. Once Jen and Seth get involved, all bets are off.

I went into Almost Human not knowing what to expect. Even so, I had moderate hopes for the movie. It revealed itself to be pretty rough around the edges. I suppose that's to be expected, as it's director Joe Begos's first feature film. Once the real violence begins, I began to have flashbacks to Peter Jackson's Bad Taste, with its excessive gore, fountains of blood, squishy sound effects, and slapstick attitude towards death. There's not much in the way of slapstick in Almost Human, though things are occasionally unintentionally funny.

Jen and Seth suffer through a really bad alien rock concert.

As far as the make-up effects are concerned, Almost Human's are all practical and competently done, if a bit overboard. One particular effect, which involves an alien rape scene, was disturbing in context, but somewhat silly in presentation. The crew took the gore and alien effects as far as they could, and if the acting were any better, such ostentatious blood and guts might even feel out of place.

Did I mention acting? The movie was likely made on a shoestring budget, so the talent in front of the camera could have been better. The actors try (too hard, sometimes), but most performances fall flat, especially on repeated viewings. No one actor outshines the others. I've seen worse performances, sure, but it's tough to take a movie seriously when you don't believe in the characters or develop any attachment to them as a result.

The cinematography was rough but not terrible. Transitions were well done, though there's occasionally a bit too much back and forth between characters. Flashback imagery is fuzzy, fast, and black and white, so even the general impressions I got were muddied.

Jen's got an axe, and believe me, she's not afraid to use it.

Was Almost Human scary? It was tense, on occasion. Aside from the occasional tension and copious gross-out gore, there wasn't much fright to be had. The score, by Andy Garfield, contributes to the aforementioned tension, and is one of the strongest things about the film. Though a bit heavy-handed at times, it's certainly tense and would lend itself well to a scary movie. Unfortunately, Almost Human isn't all that scary, but the musical queues definitely told my subconscious it was supposed to be.

At the end of the night, I have to say that Almost Human is a lackluster indie entry into the horror genre. It doesn't break any new ground, and it seemed to miss a number of opportunities. It might have even gone for the paranoid vibe of John Carpenter's The Thing if it had taken a different turn early on. Unfortunately, it ends up being a lukewarm film that I can't recommend unless you enjoy gory special effects.

They (C-)

Bring on the terror. Bring it.

I was poking around on NetFlix when I noticed They listed with the other horror movies. I couldn't remember if I'd seen it before. I put it on and realized that yes, I had seen it before, but I remembered next to nothing about it. I wracked my brain. It was familiar, but completely strange at the same time. Was the fact that I couldn't remember it a good thing, or a bad thing?

They is a film about Julia Lund (Laura Regan), a twenty-something psychology student coming up on graduation. She has an incredibly understanding boyfriend, Paul (Marc Blucas), and they seem to have a good thing going. She also has a childhood friend, Billy Parks (Jon Abrahams), who isn't so hot in the sanity department. Billy and Julia both experienced night terrors as children, and while Julia has moved on with her life into adulthood (or has she?), Billy is still tormented by his childhood memories and the nightmarish reality he experiences on a daily basis.

One evening, after a date with Paul, Julia receives a call from Billy and he begs her to meet him at a diner. She reluctantly agrees, leaving Paul behind so she can tend to her childhood pal's fragile emotional state. When she arrives, Billy blathers on about a number of dark things before ending his own life as Julia watches. This doesn't do much for Julia's mental state, and things begin to get strange for her, too. Unseen creatures begin to skitter in the shadows and she experiences a night terror at Paul's house--the first she's had since she was a little girl.

Paul is the most understanding boyfriend ever. Definitely a keeper.

At Billy's funeral, Julia meets two of his friends/roommates: Sam (Ethan Embry) and Terry (Dagmara Dominczyk). They, too, suffered from night terrors as children, and they both feel something is terribly wrong. Sam has Billy's diary, which he's been combing through for clues, but none of it seems to make any rational sense. Julia rebuffs them initially and denies that she's had any strange experiences, but as her own problems begin to multiply, she seeks Sam and Terry out for help or support. As the plot continues to unravel, we learn that the night terrors Julia, Billy, Sam, and Terry suffered as children have marked them, and one by one they succumb to the shapes in the shadows--the titular "They" of the film.

The ending will either leave you shaking your head or keeping your lights on at night.

The story presented in They isn't terrible, but it felt like there was something missing. The characters, especially those who are dealing with the prospect of shadowy monsters, don't do much to defend themselves. Perhaps they don't know (or remember) the monsters exist. Even so, if sticking your head into an air vent and seeing a scary shape skittering around doesn't get you to pull your head out of said vent, you deserve whatever happens to you.

Terry takes a swim. Bad idea.

The creature effects in They are interesting, but most of them are obviously done with choppy CGI. You rarely get a glimpse of the monsters in direct light, which isn't a bad thing, but when you do see them they don't seem particularly real. I don't necessarily want to have things spoiled by showing off the creatures too soon, but I would've loved to see more of them at appropriate times. The critters in Don't Be Afraid of the Dark were a lot more interesting and effectively scary than the ones we see (or don't see) in They.

There isn't a lot of gore--very little, actually--and most of it is implied. The cinematography isn't terrible, but there's a lot of darkness in the movie that sometimes makes things hard to see. The acting, for what it's worth, is just alright. Sometimes it feels like the cast isn't really into it, and sometimes they're right on the ball.

When all is said and done, They isn't a bad movie, but I can't help but feel it could have been a lot better. Despite Wes Craven's name being attached to the movie, it's far from the quality of many of his classics. There are some scares, certainly, but I didn't get as creeped out by it as I wanted to.

Alien Abduction (C+)

"Fear the lights." No, seriously.

Brown Mountain, North Carolina is a wonderful place to go camping. Given its isolation, it's also a pretty cool spot to build your very own Unabomber cabin. The down side is that it's popularity is linked to a phenomenon known as the "Brown Mountain Lights," which occasionally appear at night and are classified as UFOs. Local legend says that when the lights show up, people disappear.

Following Alien Abduction's introduction, which is a pastiche of "found" video footage, news stories, and interviews, the film begins to document the Morris family's camping trip to--you guessed it--Brown Mountain. The film is created by an autistic boy, Riley (Riley Polanski), who seems to use the camera as a way to connect with and interpret the world around him. I've heard of similar cases, so I had no reservations about the film's reasoning on this subject.

The rest of the family include's Riley's mom Katie (Katherine Sigismund), his dad Peter (Peter Holden), his older brother Corey (Corey Eid), and his older sister Jillian (Jillian Clare). They set out for Brown Mountain in high spirits with Peter's trusty GPS to guide them. They make camp, do some hiking, and sit around the campfire. It's pretty idyllic, and the kids don't even squabble appreciably.

That night in the kids' tent, Riley is unable to sleep. He attempts to awaken Corey who tells him to close his eyes. The boy hears or sees something that causes him to leave the tent, and Corey and Jillian follow. In the distance, they see some funky lights doing some really funky things, and Riley and Corey make sure to get it all on film. The next day, they tell Peter and Katie about the lights they saw. If it had been me, I would've awakened my parents at once, or at least shown them the video. Peter seems somewhat skeptical, but everyone shrugs it off.

The family leaves their campsite and continues on to the next one. In the process, Peter's GPS sends them in an odd direction. Given that he trusts the GPS implicitly, he doesn't question where it's sending him. Time passes and the windy road and the prospect of being lost begin to take their toll on Peter, who gets pretty cranky as a result. To make matters worse, he's low on gas. Rather than turn around and go back the way they came, he continues on in the hopes he can find a gas station. Tempers flare after a crow hits the car, but everyone makes up and they continue on.

"Hey! We're lost! Can we use your intergalactic communicator?"

The family gets nowhere fast, passing a mailbox and, eventually, a mural/cross on the side of the road. A few moments later they find themselves at the mouth of a tunnel through the mountain. This wouldn't be such a big deal if the tunnel wasn't blocked up with many, many cars, their doors open, hazard lights on, and their contents strewn all over the place. Even more bizarre is that there are no people around. While the girls see to the call of nature in the bushes somewhere, the boys walk into the tunnel to look for signs of life... and boy, do they find them.

From this point forward, the movie turns into a frenetic cat and mouse game between the family (or what remains of it) and the alien antagonists. Riley continues to film as they return to the mailbox they saw earlier and follow a makeshift driveway to a cabin. They're greeted by Sean (Jeff Bowser), a reclusive fellow whose three favorite things are his guns, his dog, and his privacy. Though initially hostile, Sean reluctantly lets the family take shelter with him. Of course, no one is safe, and the movie rolls on to its conclusion.

That's a lot more than four and twenty blackbirds. Pie, anyone?

Overall, I liked Alien Abduction. The actors are all pretty good, though Riley is a bit wooden (this might be attributable to his autism). When the family is together they seem to genuinely care about one another, and their interactions don't feel out of character. Even Sean, the reclusive redneck, is well-placed and well-acted. The only thing I had an "Oh, come on now... really?" reaction to was when Peter announces that the family is low on gas and continues to press on regardless. Who in their right mind goes camping with their family and doesn't make sure the gas tank is full?

For a found-footage film, the special effects are adequate. The aliens look good at a distance and in silhouette, but the brief close-ups we get of them are plastic and rubbery. There's one or two relatively disturbing effects, but these take place late in the film and aren't overwhelming (meaning, they're subtle and unexpected when they do occur). The cinematography is fine, and is occasionally layered with effects that suggest interference of some kind. This acts as a sort of hint that something bad's about to happen.

Plot-wise, Alien Abduction doesn't break any new ground, but it does tell a decent story and the characters' reactions to their predicaments aren't unrealistic. There isn't much that hasn't been done in the found footage horror genre these days, so I can forgive certain cliches and stereotypes as long as they're done well. There's the standard "running away" footage and scary encounter footage that you'd expect, but the motion-sickness inducing shakiness isn't too bad.

"Beam me up, E.T.!"

In a nutshell, Alien Abduction is worth watching if you enjoy found footage horror flicks. It's scary at times, creepy at others, and shocking once or twice. Still, there are a few stretches of in-between time where the characters are allowed to display who they are, but this isn't anything new. In other films with less well-developed characters, this is definitely more of an issue. With Alien Abduction, I feel that it works pretty well, and there's always another crisis just around the bend.

Patrick: Evil Awakens (D+)

Everyone should have a living will. Srsly.

The fact that Charles Dance was performing in Patrick: Evil Awakens was the prime reason I decided to take a gamble on the film. If you're familiar with Dance, you'll know he plays Tywin Lannister on Game of Thrones. He's been in some of my other favorites, such as the much-maligned Alien 3 and Last Action Hero (one of my very guilty pleasures). The guy's a great character actor, and his performance in Patrick: Evil Awakens is no less genuine than any other movie I've seen him in.

With all that out of the way, I have to admit that Patrick: Evil Awakens had me scratching my head. Did it want to be campy? Did it want to be serious? Was that thick layer of cheese intentional, or was it put there on accident by a production crew that didn't really know what they wanted to do? To his benefit, Dance plays the part of Doctor Roget completely straight, with no attempts at camp. As for the cheese, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it must have been intended.

The plot of Patrick: Evil Awakens revolves around Kathy Jacquard (Sharni Vinson), a nurse with a struggling marriage who applies for a job at a small psychiatric clinic that specializes in caring for brain dead patients. The physician who runs the facility, Doctor Roget (Dance), is supposedly performing cutting edge research to restore brain function in his patients. The other two employees are Matron Cassidy (Rachel Griffiths), who takes care of administrative duties and keeps the nurses in line, and the spunky Nurse Williams (Peta Sergeant), who befriends Kathy and shows her around town.

Doctor Roget's prize patient is the titular character, Patrick (Jackson Gallagher). Patrick's origins are a mystery to Kathy, though you can tell there's something going on behind the scenes between Patrick, Roget, and Matron Cassidy. Kathy, who's expected to assist Roget when he "treats" Patrick, becomes appalled at the methods the good doctor employs. She goes along with it until she finds she is able to communicate with Patrick, at first through a simple "once for 'no,' twice for 'yes'" system. Later, their method of conversing becomes somewhat more sophisticated... but you'll have to watch the movie to learn the details.

Kathy shares a moment (one of many) with Patrick.

Needless to say, Patrick is a lot more than he seems to be. As he grows more attached to Kathy, bad things begin to happen to anyone who is close to her. Matters get worse as time goes by, and Kathy is torn between her desire to leave her job or stay in an attempt to make sure Patrick is no longer subjected to Dr. Roget's experiments. The film is resolved in the occasionally tense climax, though the film's ending suggests that things aren't as clean cut as you might have been led to believe.

Overall, I wanted to like the movie. I nearly shut it off after the opening scene, as the cheese factor was somewhat elevated and I suspected the rest of the movie would be much the same. My thoughts turned to Charles Dance, however, and once he appeared on screen I decided to stick with it and give it a chance.

Perhaps my biggest complaint about the movie, outside of the cheese factor, was the score. The accompanying music was so loud, so overwrought, and so shrill at times, it made me cringe. There was nothing subtle about it. It was as if even the least-creepy revelations, when partnered with this cacophonous music, were supposed to scare me out of my wits. Not so, as annoyance trumps fright pretty much every single time.

Don't let Matron Cassidy catch you slacking off.

About the cheese I keep mentioning: It's there in droves. The thing is, Patrick: Evil Awakens isn't constantly cheesy or campy. Instead, it picks times to be cheesy that almost always feel inappropriate given the context. For instance, there's a part involving an individual and an elevator shaft, and it's a pretty tense moment. And then, WHAM! It's like someone's suddenly doused the movie with the contents of a fondue pot. I found myself laughing at some of this stuff, but not in a good way.

Despite the movie's flaws, the cast did a really good job. Dance plays an excellent villain, and I particularly enjoyed Peta Sergeant as the promiscuous Nurse Williams and Griffiths as Matron Cassidy. Most of the supporting cast is pretty good, too. There were some cringe-worthy moments, though, including one or two Vader "Nooooooooo!"'s. Those sorts of things always feel somewhat artificial to me, depending on how they're done.

As for effects, there's a good bit of practical gore mixed with some very obvious CGI set pieces. The quality of these effects is fine, but many of them are really over the top which only adds to the cheese factor.

Was it scary? Sort of, I guess. There are some creepy moments, and the setting--a hospital for brain dead patients who just sort of lie there and occasionally do things--contributes to these occasionally eerie sequences. The frights are often offset by camp, though, which (in my case) lessens the immersion for me, bringing me out of the movie and into the realm of, "Did that really happen?"

Better to pull the plug than wind up in Doctor Roget's clinic.

I'm conflicted about this one, make no mistakes about it. My gut wants to be brutal with my final rating, but my brain wants to give some credit for the things that Patrick: Evil Awakens got right. At the end of the day, I think I need to go with my gut on this one. Other viewers are certain to have different opinions, and that's totally fine. If cheesy horror is your cup of tea, you'll probably like Patrick: Evil Awakens. If you really like horrible horror scores, then this movie is pretty much solid gold. If you're interested in a more or less consistent fright film, though, you're probably better off watching something else.

Note: Patrick: Evil Awakens is a remake of another Australian film from 1978, Patrick (with no colon). The plot seems similar enough, but I wonder if the original is any better than the remake. It seems that remakes aren't just for American movie-makers these days.