The ABCs of Death (C-)

I watched The ABCs of Death last night, mostly because I found the concept to be interesting. The film consists of 26 short films, and the director(s) of each short was assigned a letter of the alphabet. Using that letter, the directors were to choose a word and create a segment involving death. I'd passed the film over many times on Netflix, but being bored and wanting a change, I decided to finally give it a go.

As you might expect from such a broad cross-section of directors, the quality of each film varies drastically. Some are good, many are not, but I think it's mostly a matter of opinion as to which is which. They weren't particularly scary, and a good many were campy, crude, and scatological. I wasn't really interested in potty humor, so I didn't get much out of those segments.

The segments I enjoyed the most were D, involving a well-filmed and fairly nontraditional Dogfight (with a human boxer and a Labrador), and E (for Exterminate) which features a strange spider. I also enjoyed V (for Vagitis, which is defined as "The cry of a newborn baby") which was set in a dystopian future where everyone is sterilized unless they can earn the privilege to have children. I liked it for mostly non-horror reasons, and for what the director was able to accomplish with his budget.

There were also some disturbing entries, such as I (for Ingrown, involving a woman slowly dying after being injected with drain cleaner), P (for Pressure, wherein a woman prostitutes herself to support her children), and Y (for Young Buck, involving a deer and a pedophile). Of these, P was probably the best. The rest of the films either fall flat entirely, or are just too damn silly. I did find a few of them to be genuinely funny, particularly A (for Apocalypse), J (for Jidai-Geki, which is Japanese for "Samurai Movie"), N (for Nuptuals), Q (for Quack), and U (for Unearthed). The rest didn't really grab me.

The dog is one of the best actors in the entire anthology.

Ultimately, I was hoping the quality of D and E would continue throughout the rest of the film, but the needle rises and falls so much as things drag on and on. My review grade is mostly an aggregate, so take it with a grain of salt. There are things you may enjoy featured in this film, but they are too few and far between.

Watch this one at your own risk, but you definitely need to make sure you watch D/Dogfight. Dogfight is currently posted on YouTube, so maybe you should go check it out there and save yourself from the rest of the movie unless you're particularly curious.

An American Ghost Story (C+)

Originally known as "Revenant," An American Ghost Story is a movie about a writer, Paul (played by Stephen Twardokus, also the film's writer, producer, and editor) who rents a purportedly haunted house so he can experience the paranormal in a twisted attempt at research for his next book.

After living in the house for a little while with his girlfriend, Stella (played by Leisel Kopp), things start to go bump in the night. Following a particularly frightening experience, Stella decides she can't live there anymore. She moves out, leaving Paul alone with whatever is inhabiting the place. He experiences a number of disturbances, but none of them are quite what Paul's looking for.

When his landlord Skip (played by Jon Gale) drops by to collect the rent, Paul asks him about how he came to own the place, about the purported haunting, and the home's previous tenants. Skip isn't real helpful, but seems to be more of a believer than he lets on.

Seeking validation, Paul attempts to contact the previous tenants, including the last tenant, Sue (played by Wendy Haines). Though she refuses to speak with him, she eventually contacts him and gives her account of what living in the house was like. Paul attempts to capture ghostly messages on a tape recorder (EVP! An old classic!) but has no luck. Just when he's about to give up, everything goes ape and the movie reaches its conclusion.

The acting in An American Ghost Story isn't the best I've ever seen, but it certainly isn't the worst. While all the actors have their moments, there's still a good bit that feels forced or rehearsed. Despite this, the movie's atmosphere is genuinely creepy, and it keeps that feeling going for nearly the entire length of the film. There were a number of instances of paranormal action that were very well done, especially considering the movie's estimated budget of just $10,000.

I'm going to have serious nightmares about this nun.

As is often the case with these sorts of stories, the film's finale was a bit of a disappointment. Due to the competent way the movie's scares are delivered, I was really hoping for more than I ended up getting. Despite this, the very last scene was pretty clever, in my opinion, and I had to chuckle.

I think An American Ghost Story is worth seeing if you enjoy movies about haunted houses and ghosts. You may roll your eyes when things get exciting at the end, but the growing unease that the movie creates as it plods along is worth experiencing. I oftentimes feel that big budget films lose something, especially when a director tries to squeeze every penny's worth out of his proverbial wallet. If adapted to a much pricier budget, I'm not sure An American Ghost Story would show as well or as earnestly as it does.

Giving it the old college try is totally up to you, dear reader, but I don't feel like my time was wasted in watching it.

Preview: Dark Awakening

I follow Lance Henriksen's FaceBook page, and this morning he posted a link to a new movie he's involved with titled Dark Awakening. The preview is a little rough, but it shows promise and is precisely the kind of movie I'm looking for.

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that Dark Awakening meets my expectations.

Godzilla (B-)

"When we land, I'm going to throw up."

I took my son to see the latest edition of Godzilla today. While he earnestly proclaimed it was a solid four stars, I was somewhat less impressed. You may ask me "Why?" dear reader, and I will answer you thus: "For a movie titled Godzilla, the titular character doesn't have a hell of a lot of screen time."

The acting was solid, the special effects were great, and the scenes involving Godzilla were spellbinding. Unfortunately, you don't really get a glimpse of him until the movie's already been going for a good long while. The slow start involves introducing the main characters and allowing for a little historical perspective, which is great. I was still disappointed with the film's distinct lack of giant lizards.

That said, the movie does show off the enemy monsters quite a bit, and they're pretty neat. On the occasion that they get down and dirty with Godzilla, it's pretty impressive. As with earlier incarnations of Godzilla and his kaiju cousins, mankind's armed forces don't do much more than annoy them. Why would anyone bother spraying a huge monster with small arms fire? I have no clue. Seems like a good way to get squashed to me.

Given that the movie is so new, I'll spare you any huge spoilers. Suffice it to say that it begins with something crawling out of a hole in the ground, which then leads to the destruction of a Japanese nuclear power plant. The power plant's destruction results in the death of Joe Brody's (played by Bryan Cranston) wife, which leads him to a fifteen year search for the real cause of the accident. In the midst of all this turmoil is Joe's son, Ford (played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson), who is an ordnance disposal specialist in the US Army.

Rather than destroying Tokyo, the film's creatures head east towards the United States. I guess Asia experienced enough abuse in Pacific Rim, and they wanted to spread the love around a little more. Lots of buildings get demolished, and a lot of people get stepped on, and this ultimately leads to an impressive showdown between Godzilla (who is much more of a clumsy protagonist than a villain) and the enemy critters (who just want to settle down on the West Coast and have a few thousand babies).

"Where's the big lizard? There's supposed to be a big lizard!"

Though it was a monster movie, it wasn't really a horror film. There were some quick scares here and there, but they were generally the cheap kind (in other words, there's a loud sound and something mildly shocking happens on screen). Even my son wasn't particularly frightened, which is saying a lot. It doesn't take much for him to hide his face. The monster effects were good, but there's absolutely no gore to speak of, either.

It did kick the pants off the Devlin/Emmerich version of Godzilla from 1998 (which--let's face it--was complete and utter garbage; I still regret paying full price to see it in the local movie theater). It doesn't provide quite the nostalgia for the original Tojo films, but there's not much that can do that. Overall, it's worth seeing, especially if you liked Pacific Rim, but understand that you'll be waiting a while for the Big G to show up.

Frankenstein's Army (C+)

War is Hell, right?

This movie was... interesting. Not intellectually so, but from the perspective of someone who enjoys elaborate costumes and practical special effects. If I were judging films solely on their effects and costumes, Frankenstein's Army would have knocked it out of the park. Unfortunately, it was also plagued by pacing issues, tepid acting, skin-deep characterization, and not a single character I could empathize with (except for the German nurse, Eva, played by Christina Catalina).

The movie is in the "found footage" style, and has an unusual premise. A group of Russian military scouts is on patrol during World War II. They discover a repeating distress call on the radio and go off to investigate its source. The guy filming it all, Dmitri (played by Alexander Mercury) is doing it for posterity, on orders from (I assume) high command. The first thing you'll notice, though, is that it's filmed in color. I guess I can forgive this--there was color photography at the time, but it would have felt more authentic (to me, anyway) in black and white. Then again, maybe that would have made the film's gore less impressive.

Not one of the Russian characters is sympathetic. They're all cruel and bloodthirsty, with the possible exception of Sacha (played by Luke Newberry), an apparent lackwit who gets bossed around and insulted most of the time he's on camera. The worst of the lot is the hot-headed Vassili, played by Andrei Zayats, who enjoys torturing Germans and beating up women like any other all-around swell dude.

The long and short of the movie is that the Russians find the source of the distress signal, an old church, and poke around long enough to discover a strange creature that kills their leader, Sergeant Novikov (played by Robert Gwilim). The Russians argue over which of them will take charge of the squad, and it's determined that Sergei (played by Joshua Sasse) will take over for the disemboweled Novikov. Vassili isn't happy about it, but he relents when it appears that no one else wants him in charge.

Angered by the death of Novikov, the troops continue to explore the church and its surroundings and capture what appears to be its caretaker. After Vassili tortures him, the caretaker agrees to show them where the creatures are coming from. This is where the real fun of the movie begins, as the "zombots" come into play and begin to whittle the Russians down.

The zombots really steal the show. There's a seemingly endless variety of them, and given the fact that nearly everyone in the squad is a jerk for one reason or another, it's actually fun to watch them get butchered. Eventually, the remaining soldiers abandon Dmitri (for reasons I won't spoil for you) in the depths of the maze-like catacombs beneath the church. Dmitri encounters Doctor Frankenstein (played by Karel Roden), and the good doctor allows him to live so he can film his experiments.

He's such a nice man. Don't let the claws fool you.

The ending comes pretty suddenly, but it's not entirely unsatisfying. There are a handful of twists and surprises, which keeps the action fresh, but the story itself pretty rote. This isn't a particularly serious film, but it's not a comedy either, so gauge your expectations accordingly. If you can get past the acting and pacing, at least until the zombots show up, the movie is pretty enjoyable and filled with a large variety of "WTF" moments. I found myself laughing with delight at every new zombot, as well as the Russians' reactions to them.

Overall, I liked this movie. It's not really the direction I might've gone with a story where Dr. Frankenstein is making war machines for the Nazis. If you like practical special effects and amazing monster costumes, you should definitely take it for a spin.

Death of a Ghost Hunter (D)

How creepy is that? Not very.

I was fooled on Thursday night. Bored, at loose ends, and craving a little ghostly entertainment, I began to comb endlessly through NetFlix's meager selection. My wife, meanwhile, scanned online (probably looking at the listings on Instant Watcher), making suggestions to which I replied, "Seen it," "That one sucked," or "Not interested."

At some point she said, "How about Death of a Ghost Hunter?" I'd seen it listed in the rotation, but the low-star rating had kept me from picking it out. I did a quick look at the movie's Wikipedia page. The critique that stuck out the most was, "It was praised for being genuinely scary, while others criticised (sic) the poor acting." Genuinely scary but poorly acted? Well, I can use some scary. Quality of acting is relative, right?

Wrong. As the movie started, with its amateurish cinematic techniques and its earnest (albeit ham-handed) attempts at acting, I had to laugh. Was this supposed to be a comedy? Did anyone in the cast have any acting experience at all? I've played Dungeons & Dragons with folks who couldn't act, and they were a damn sight better than anyone in Death of a Ghost Hunter's cast.

Patti Tindall (playing the lead role of skeptical ghost hunter Carter Simms) is a lovely woman, and the quality of her acting was probably the best of the bunch. Still, she really only comes off as genuine in a couple of scenes, and those are painfully few and far between. Her co-stars, Mike Marsh (playing Colin Green, a chain-smoking cameraman), Davina Joy (as the writer/reporter Yvette Sandoval), and Lindsay Page (portraying the very religious Mary Young Mortenson), are all kinds of wooden. Davina Joy loosens up a couple of times, but the other two (especially Lindsay Page) don't come off as believable.

The basic plot is that the Masterson family (mom, dad, son, and daughter) were murdered in their home some twenty years ago. The current owner of the house (a relative of the Mastersons) offers Carter Simms $5,000 to stay in the house for three days and investigate its supposed paranormal nature. He insists on including both Colin and Yvette, who are there to help Carter record it all.

After the three arrive at the home, Mary Young Mortenson arrives, presumably invited by the owner. Her goal is to ensure that Carter and the others don't slander the Masterson name, given they were important members of her own church. Mary is strange and difficult to get along with, and it's obvious from the start that something's not quite right about her.

Scares are few and far between. Well, okay... Death of a Ghost Hunter doesn't really have any scares at all, unless you think ghosts talking backwards is scary. The story of the Mastersons slowly unfolds, and a few clues are dropped as the cast investigates the house--a ghost that names herself as Miranda via EVP, who wasn't a member of the Masterson family; some disturbing polaroids; and a strange box-like mask with a crucifix on one side. The clues aren't really explored until the end of the movie, when everything is given away in a long-winded series of poorly-acted flashbacks.

"It says here we're supposed to act scared. Uhhh..."

As the title of the film reveals, Carter Simms ends up dying. I don't consider this a spoiler, but I'll leave it to you, dear reader, to discover the circumstances of how she passes on. There's at least one gaping plot hole concerning Mary Young and how/why she comes to be involved in the investigation. Sure, she says the owner of the house told her to show up, but didn't anyone think to call him up when Carter discovers she was only given three house keys instead of four? Go figure.

Overall, watching this movie was like staring at a ten car fatality on the expressway, only instead of feeling revulsion or horror, you only feel pity. I couldn't help but watch even though my mind was telling me that whatever they had planned for the finale could not possible make up for the tedium I'd experienced. Sometimes we have to bleed for our art, I suppose.

This is another one of those "watch at your own risk" titles. If you've got nothing better to do but hammer nails into your eyes, you're probably better off going to bed early or watching Honey Boo Boo.

Apartment 1303 (C-)

Apartment 1303 is a ghost story. At least, it's supposed to be. I'm watching it on Amazon right now, and I'm about fifty-two minutes into it. I'm also up way past my bedtime, but it's Friday night on Memorial Day weekend.

Huh. I just discovered it's a remake of a Japanese film of the same name. Typical. But where classic Asian-to-American remakes like The Ring come through relatively well, this one probably should've stayed Japanese. Now I'll need to track down the original and hope it's better than the remake. I can't possibly see how it could be worse.

Anyway, back to the movie. The opening credits were probably the most promising thing about the film. They were moody and relatively well-done, but if I wanted to watch an opening credit sequence, I'd put Se7en on the DVD player and loop the beginning.

Once the actors (and I use that word lightly) show up on screen, though, it gets really tedious. I know they can probably act, but damn if they're not having a lot of trouble getting into character. The performances range from flat to overdone, with no happy medium to be seen. After last night's movie, though, I suppose the acting could be worse (remind me to put up a post about Death of a Ghost Hunter sometime).

Mischa Barton is Lara Slate. Her sister, Janet (played by Julianne Michelle), moves out of their mother's house and signs a lease for a 13th floor apartment without first seeing the place. The girls' mother, Maddie (played by Rebecca De Mornay), is a once-popular musician with an alcoholic streak (and the source of much of the terrible overacting I was talking about). With De Mornay's maturity and prior career, you'd think she'd be the best of the bunch... but it's not the case. I can only assume they brought her on board to lend the film's cast some credibility.

Of course, the apartment is haunted, and the spooks don't wait long before they're using dubious special effect to toss Janet around like a rag doll. Through a series of spiritual events, Janet ends up plummeting to her death and Lara moves into the apartment, both to get away from her mother and (seemingly) to find out what happened to her sister.

Between the three lovely ladies I've mentioned, we also have Emily (the creepy little girl next door), Mark (Janet's undercover cop boyfriend), and O'Neil (the perverted superintendent). Cory Sevier, the hunky guy who plays Mark, is probably the best actor in the film, but it's obvious that even he's struggling to pinch out a convincing role.

Acting aside, there's a fairly good nugget of story in there somewhere. I think. The special effects are mediocre, and the frights aren't really all that frightening. When the ghosts show up, they're either tossing people around, hissing at them, standing behind them in mirrors, or sitting in sinks (yes, really). The action is largely predictable, too, though there was a teeny tiny twist I didn't see coming. I'd love to spoil it for you, but even I'm not that large of a jerk.

As far as endings go, this one stops rather abruptly. I won't complain, but I expected a climax of sorts, even a poorly-acted one. The ending of Apartment 1303 isn't so much a climax as a sigh. A sigh of relief, maybe? Well, that's up to the viewer, I guess. Overall... this one's a stinker. Watch at your own risk, but remember--you'll never get this eighty-five minutes of your life back.